Sold Out

I'm stuck.

I know I want to live a life that is sold out for Christ. One in which God is not simply a side item, an appetizer with which to start my day. Not even one in which He's the main course. I want God to be everything with all that I do or think in every day being permeated with one thought, "What would God have me do?"

The problem is this: I don't know what that looks like in today's culture. Or, rather, in this culture in which I live which has become my grand comfort zone.

All around me I see other Christians living their happy little lives as I live mine. We bustle around, going to church as we should, praying about the big decisions, trying to let God guide us on where we should live, what jobs we should have, when and how to grow our families. We're doing this the best we know how.

And, yet, day to day it's all the same, run around (or stay at home as is the case today), do the things on my list, go to bed feeling somehow accomplished and empty all at the same time. I finished the tasks I wanted to have completed today so why does it all feel worthless? Did I do anything eternal today? Did I even open my own eyes beyond the scope of my own wants, needs, plans and worries? Did I really see anyone else today? Did I see their wants, needs, plans or worries and, even if I did, did I help them along this crazy path called life?

Why am I living only for me? And why does that seem so normal?

The times in my life I've felt most close to God were those times when I was separated from the "normal" thrust into a culture and a life which was not my own, struggling to keep up - in a world but not of the world in which I resided at the time. Separated from all I knew to be a "normal" day and all the things, people and places which I used to accomplish my "normal" tasks I was forced to slow down. I thought about everything I did, how it would get done and allowed God time to shape me, my life, my plans. I actually pondered Him. Not just at the reserved times of the day or week, but all the time - all the time when I couldn't shut off my brain and tune into the radio of others' prattle, switching stations with each new conversation I passed. I contemplated Who He is and how He fits into this context, as He fits into them all. How does this form of worship make Him feel? What does He wish these people knew? Questions I don't even consider when I'm at "home".

So, how do I do this in my own culture. How do I separate myself from all that surrounds me? How do I simultaneously live my life - pay my bills, buy groceries, run to the bank, play with my daughter - and yet, at the same time, feel like I'm living a life of purpose and meaning?

In a culture where Christian and non-Christian look everything alike, how should I truly live? Do I follow in the footsteps of those around me? I doubt it. But, what then?

I don't even know if these thoughts make sense - but they are all floating around up there in the gray matter above my neck and they needed somewhere to go. And here they are. Whatever they are.