Of the Purpose of This Redeemed Life

The women's Bible Study group I am so privileged to be a part of is currently working its way through the gospel of Mark - reading the story of Jesus through the hurried words of a man who got His telling of Jesus straight from the mouth of our brash and beloved disciple, Peter.

This morning, I was in chapter five, where we see Jesus addressing a demon-possessed man living among the tombs of Gerasene - naked, screaming, with the strength to break all chains and shackles. He can't be restrained, but he can't be free.

Jesus comes to him, speaking not to the man himself, merely the host for the legion of demons within, but to those who possess him, casting them out to nearby pigs, so they may have their destructive desire fulfilled on at least some portion of God's creation - just not the portion so precious and prized as a human soul. Because a human soul is worth so much greater than two thousand pigs.

And as people come running to see what the commotion is about, they see this unrestrained man really, finally, free, sitting, clothed and in his right mind. Clothed, because after Jesus restored his spirit, He restored his dignity. And "in his right mind" because, as the ESV footnote states, he was "properly functioning again as an image-bearer of God."

And isn't that what we are all called to? To be cleansed, dignity restored, properly functioning as image-bearers of God? Because though we may not all have the physical demons within, we all have inner demons with which we wrestle - particularly before coming to Christ - that destroy our ability to properly bear His image, as we seek the temporary fix - greed, vanity, lust. And as we are restored to our original function - to serve as image-bearers, we are to take on the characteristics that define Him - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control. We are to be in our right mind.

And once we're there, we can suddenly recognize there is only one place we want to be, just as the redeemed former-demoniac of Gerasene recognized, and that's with our Redeemer, our Rescuer. We long to be with Him.

As I was emerging from the fog of depression only about a year or so ago, this was the one thing I wanted. Because if this world was so ugly, why couldn't I just depart and be with Him? Wrapped in His beauty, singing His praises for all of eternity?

Yet, that's not where He wants us. Not yet.

For those of us who remain, He has one command, "Go home to your friends and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you" (Mark 5:19).

It is interesting to note, this is the first time in Mark's account that we see Jesus actively encouraging someone to tell others about Him. Previously He had been very adamant about not spreading the news. He had silenced demons against speaking His name and had told a healed leper, "See that you say nothing to anyone."

Yet this man receives the command to go forth and spread the word. Why?

Of course I can't tell you with 100% certainty what Jesus was thinking, but I wonder if it was because this man redeemed of his demons had a true heart for Jesus - recognizing that with his new healed state, he could live a free life and all he wanted to do with that new life was follow after Jesus.

And this is the kind of testimony Jesus wants told.

He wants hearts that are completely for Him to draw others to Him, not for a spectacle of displayed power, but for the true healing and mercy found only in Him.

This redeemed life isn't about me - it's about making His name known.

Of Fitting the Pieces Together

One theme God has been revealing to me lately in my time in His Word is that if something doesn't seem to make sense in context, it probably means I'm missing something. Of course, that would seem obvious, but I've so often chalked it up to something cultural or something in the original language I just don't get, but it doesn't hinder how I understand what I do know.

Yet, multiple times in the past few weeks I have come across a portion of Scripture I thought I knew and suddenly found a new note or cross-reference that sheds a whole new light and I can see, mentally, a puzzle piece clicking into place as I think to myself, "That makes SO much more sense now!" As though I had previously been tossing aside those pieces, thinking they just didn't go anywhere, and now, as they fall into place, there is one complete picture and I realize there is nothing unnecessary in Scripture.

He did it again this morning.

I have been working through, with my Bible Study ladies, Angie Smith's first Bible Study: Seamless. In this study, we are, once again, covering the entire story of the Bible from cover to cover. As opposed to our time in the 66 Love Letters, this study is a quick survey of the entire Bible, so we're mainly hitting the highlights, but in chronological order, which is a bonus.

Last week, we covered the ten plagues God sent to the Egyptians while Pharaoh hemmed and hawed over releasing the Israelites. Something that has bothered me for a long time on this subject is the phrase "and God hardened Pharaoh's heart" - which we see happening repeatedly after each of the plagues.

Why would God do this?!

If Pharaoh is ready to release God's people and that's the whole goal of this operation, why would God harden his heart so everyone involved has to endure so much more hardship?

One answer with which I had satisfied this query was that perhaps God was working to show Himself to the Egyptian people. I had heard that because of this period in Egyptian history, the word of God's power had spread through much of the ancient world, so that many feared Him and His people,
 the Israelites. After all, we read this to be true when Joshua's spies encounter Rahab who declares their Lord the God as "God in the heavens above and on the earth beneath" (Joshua 2:11). Because of what happened in Egypt, the residents of Jericho were living in fear, their hearts melted - which paves the way for the successful conquest of Jericho and the beginning of the Israelites' claim to their Promised Land.

Certainly that was a factor.

But, as I was reading through this Bible Study, Angie pointed out something I hadn't recalled hearing before (or maybe I had, but it had certainly been buried under mounds of other things I'd heard and forgotten): Each of the ten plagues specifically addressed the Egyptian gods and the aspects of life they supposedly had control over. It was the God of Israel's way of showing His power over these false Egyptian deities. Note the following chart (or click the link here to see it as a PDF).

Well, again, that's certainly fascinating. So, God hardened the heart of Pharaoh so He could specifically display His power in all arenas supposedly controlled by other gods. That seems to make a little more sense. But, still, why?

Was it because the Egyptians would come to fear and respect the God of Israel, as well? Was this a foreshadowing of His welcoming all peoples into His people? I felt as though I remembered reading somewhere that this theory may have been accurate.

But, overall, it was a piece that just didn't fit. And because my brain couldn't figure out what to do with it, I chose to overlook it and move on.

And then we got to today's study. We're in Joshua now, where we addressed the above story of the spies visiting Rahab and consequently God destroying the city of Jericho and from there, all of the Promised Land. All of the Land is now given to the Israelites as He declares to them, "I gave you a land on which you had not labored and cities that you had not built, and you dwell in them. You eat the fruit of vineyards and olive orchards that you did not plant" (Joshua 24:13). All of these He gives to His people, not because they have earned it (if you question that, read all of Exodus and Numbers, trust me, Israel does not deserve any of it), but because these are His people and He has made a promise to Abraham that He intends to keep. 

Then we move on the next verse: "Now therefore fear the Lord and serve him in sincerity and in faithfulness. Put away the gods that your fathers served beyond the River and in Egypt, and serve the Lord" (Joshua 24:12, emphasis added). I'm sorry, what?!

The descendants of Israel making their home in Egypt, later oppressed by the Egyptian ruler into slavery, had been serving the Egyptian gods?! Now, maybe this isn't news to you. You're thinking, "Yeah, Angela, we all knew that." But I certainly had not heard that little tidbit before. 

I had always lived in my ignorance, fully imagining that God's people weren't annoying and unfaithful to Him until after they escaped Egypt and were sad that they had to leave their happy little homes of slavery. I imagined them slaving away in Egypt, worshipping their God, faithful to Him and wondering when He was going to keep His promise to rescue them, counting down the 400 years He told Abraham they would be waiting. And it's entirely possible and probable that many were. But there were at least some who had chosen the gods of the locals to be their gods, as well. Probably in addition to the God of their father Abraham. 

And here is where the puzzle piece clicked neatly into place. God didn't send ten plagues just so His name would be feared among the nations, or just so the Egyptians could see His power. He needed to harden Pharaoh's heart time and time again, provoking ten specific plagues, so the Israelites would see His power over the Egyptian gods. So the Israelites could see He had control over every aspect of life that they had begun to depend on the false gods of Egypt to protect.

He needed to show them Who He was, not just so Pharaoh would let them go worship their God, but so that they would want to do so. He had to make life hard where they were so they would get uncomfortable enough to leave for the something better that He had planned for them.

Well, oh. My. Word. Doesn't that just tell a whole different story? Doesn't that one little verse in Joshua just bring a whole new reality to this story we've heard since we were children? 

And don't our hearts beat raw to realize He still uses that tactic today. Because we are an unfaithful people who would rather live in the darkness, where it sometimes feels safe, than escape into the Light where He has such glorious lives awaiting us. We would rather seek comfortable living on this earth, where we are bound as slaves to the things of this world, than look ahead eagerly to the land that has been promised to us - our homes in Heaven. We often opt for comfort over going out to serve a God who has proved Himself faithful. 

And once again I see how these Israelite people of the Old Testament were always meant to be a picture to us of who we are - the ways we wander, the ways we vacillate between obedience and unfaithfulness, the ways we fail and the ways we turn back to Him. 

Thank you, Lord, for caring enough to bring us out of darkness, even when we do not, in the least deserve it.

Of Leafing Through the Pages

About a week ago, I was waiting for the fourth-grade girls' Sunday School class, in which I have been assisting, to begin, when I received a text from the sweet friend who actually teaches these gils every week. She wasn't going to be able to make it. Could I teach?

Well, at least I'd remembered to bring the lesson plans with me - the ones I had not even looked over one iota before this very moment. Not to mention, I hadn't been in Sunday School for the past two weeks for various reasons. So, I had no idea what the girls HAD been learning, nor what they were scheduled to learn that morning.

Splendid.

As I fumbled my way through the beginning moments, I asked the two girls in attendance (thankful for a holiday weekend!) to catch me up a little while I leafed through Acts, the book we'd been studying, to fill in the gaps in the lessons they were sharing. I saw the story of Paul being blinded on the road to Damascus (a Sunday School staple), I was saddened that we had skipped over the conversion of Cornelius, the first Gentile convert (a personal obscure favorite of mine), I watched them draw out for me the illustration of Peter being freed from prison by an angel and then I was brought to this week's lesson - about Paul and Barnabus's encounter with a magician attmepting to deceive the people away from the gospel - one entirely too short to draw out into a full lesson, particularly without preparation. Great.

But, real quick, what was this heading? About the death of King Herod? So, I read that to the girls quickly. Why not? We had time to kill. And I emphasized to them that upon being called a god by those listening and he not giving the glory to the actual God in heaven, he was immediately eaten up by worms and died. Worms. Gross. This, of course, captured the girls' attention, so at least we had that benefit. And then we moved on to the actual lesson.

Fast forward one week. I'm no longer teaching (thankfully, because I forgot to even bring the lesson plan that day), but my dear friend is reading our next story from Acts - Paul and Barnabus fleeing from those who would have them dead, to a town where everyone declares them gods - Zeus and Hermes, no less. And these two men were very quick to deny those claims and refuse the gifts of admiration.

Right away I saw the contrast between these two stories: Herod who had accepted the praise and adoration and paid the consequences and Paul and Barnabus who pointed the glory back where it needed to be. And I felt there was a reason that obscure story of Herod being eaten by worms - a story our lesson plan overlooked for its seeming insignificance - was even nestled in the pages of our Bibles.

This brief moment underlined to me something I had been considering for awhile - the importance of spending quality time in the actual pages of a physical Bible - one that can be felt in your hands, where your fingers can turn the pages and your eyes can drift over the words, titles, themes of this one book, that creates a whole story, not just snippets or vignettes.

I was reminded of a movie I watched recently - one I found streaming on-line while I folded laundry or did some other task that I felt constituted a valid excuse to spend naptime in front of the television - that focused on two high school teachers - one of them an English teacher.

In one particular scene, he collects an assignment from his students - "three compelling paragraphs on the ant." Specifically, though, they had to "use an actual encyclopedia, not computers." After collecting the papers, he sets them aside on his desk, turns to his students and asks a series of questions, "Who can tell me who Baron Anson is? . . . Where's the town of Ansonia? . . . Who the [heck] is Christopher Anstey?!"

To each of these questions his students had an answer - from articles that would have shared a page with their subject, the ant, in the encyclopedia.

The teacher concludes his point: "You see, you use a computer, you click on a word ant, you get the data, fine. You pick up a book and leaf through the pages to find the ant, you’re gonna bump into a saint, an admiral, a poet, a town in Connecticut. You’re gonna learn something outside of the assignment just because of your own undeniable and most valuable curiosity. You’re gonna see a word and you’re gonna jump on it or it’s gonna jump on you, then you have it forever.”

Then you have it forever.

And this is precisely what happens when we use our fingers to turn the pages of a book - any book. Can you imagine, then, how powerful a concept it is to have the Holy Spirit alongside you as you turn the pages of a Bible - who can draw your eyes to the one story (even one of a king eaten by worms) He can bring back to your mind later, as you read something else, to make connections you might have otherwise missed, were you zeroed in on the target.

His Word never returns to us void, not even the ones that we didn't set out to read, or the ones "assigned." Getting sidetracked can be a blessing. And it can be missed in digital form - when three quick clicks take us to the exact book, chapter and verse we need. We read and we're done. And that Word will also not return void, but it's still only one piece of a whole. And its the difference between ambling through the woods having slow conversation with a friend and hopping on the highway for a quick jaunt from A to B - either way is time spent with your traveling companion, but one leaves a little more room for open honesty, to see where the path leads you, to be surprised and allow for detours.

Please don't misunderstand me. Technology is wonderful. At times, I have been too lazy to grab a Bible off the shelf, or too forgetful to have my physical copy at church with me, and I've been grateful for a Bible I can whip out of my pocket on a moment's notice to reference as needed - right there on the device I almost always have with me. And sometimes a direct route to a destination is necessary.

But don't overlook what you're missing if this is the only Bible you ever read. Don't miss the beauty of pulling His Word from the shelf and wandering through its magnificent pages.

This full, unabridged copy of God's Word is a most precious gift, take some time to unwrap it.

Of the Fool

A couple weeks ago, I was reading through Proverbs, in chapter 26, to be exact, and I found myself amidst verses I had heard many times before. All those ones talking about a "fool" - you know, that other guy, the one who just doesn't get it. Here is a sampling:

"Like snow in summer or rain in harvest,
    so honor is not fitting for a fool.
2 3 A whip for the horse, a bridle for the donkey,
    and a rod for the back of fools.
4 Answer not a fool according to his folly,
    lest you be like him yourself.
5 Answer a fool according to his folly,
    lest he be wise in his own eyes.
6 Whoever sends a message by the hand of a fool
    cuts off his own feet and drinks violence.
7 Like a lame man's legs, which hang useless,
    is a proverb in the mouth of fools.
8 Like one who binds the stone in the sling
    is one who gives honor to a fool.
9 Like a thorn that goes up into the hand of a drunkard
    is a proverb in the mouth of fools.
10 Like an archer who wounds everyone
    is one who hires a passing fool or drunkard.
11 Like a dog that returns to his vomit
    is a fool who repeats his folly. " (Proverbs 26:1,3-11, ESV, emphasis added)

Right around this time, after eleven verses going on, and on, and on, about how useless fools are and how little hope they have in the world, I was kind of done. I am not just being overly dramatic when I say, literally, at this point in my reading I thought to myself, "Ok, we get it."

And then came verse number 12, one I had heard before, but, when read in the context of the previous eleven tiring verses, was rather a sucker punch to the gut:

"Do you see a man who is wise in his own eyes?
    There is more hope for a fool than for him."(Proverbs 26:12)

Say what now? Now I'm awake.

Because if ever there was a person who was wise in his own eyes, I'm the girl. I'm the one who can pass any test, solve any riddle. If you have a problem, I guarantee I have a solution (not that I'll share it, because I don't necessarily need to tell you what to do, I just like the satisfaction of knowing that I know). And if you're not solving it the way I would have, I will have an opinion about that. I probably won't share that opinion with you, but, trust me, I've definitely shared it with someone (probably my husband because we kind of shame spiral together into gossip and petty judgments - it's totally a healthy bonding experience).

Wise in her own eyes? Yep, that's me.

And, yet, here it is, plain as day - there is more hope for a fool than for a person like me.

A fool.

You know, that one who deserves no honor, but, rather, a rod to the back. The man whose mouth is not even worthy to hold a wise saying. The one who is like a dog returning to his vomit in the way he continues after the filth of this world.

This man has more hope than I.

Let it not be true. May my eyes be torn out before they continue to see wisdom in my own frivolity, petty thoughts or belittling opinions.

May I see the worth and value in the hearts of others, in the opinions of others. May I no longer seek my own honor or the worthless validation that comes from thinking better of myself than of those around me.

May there be hope for me yet.

Oh, Lord, that you would humble me to hear the words of others more than my own voice. Grant me your eyes to see those around me and ear to hear Your wisdom alone.

Of Being Called Into His People

We're reading Acts now. Between mommy-ing four kids, cleaning the kitchen, Etsy orders, cleaning the kitchen, cooking dinners, bundling little ones for the snow, and cleaning the kitchen, I've been ducking into the book of Acts whenever I get a chance to just sit down for a moment. And it was worth every stolen minute and hour of just savoring it all, start to finish. The relevancy of this precious book to our world today was not lost on me.

As I read of Stephen detailing the Gospel, from nearly Creation to Christ, I longed to memorize his speech, so I, too, may be prepared to give an answer to those who ask about the hope I have. Following the death of this man of bold words, we read, "And there arose on that day a great persecution against the church in Jerusalem . . . Saul was ravaging the church, and entering house after house, he dragged off men and women and committed them to prison" (Acts 8:1,3). And I cannot help but notice how similar these words sound to my own ears, accustomed to news from the Middle East of Brothers and Sisters taken in chains and enduring much worse than mere imprisonment, though relating to Stephen in their deaths.

And I am filled with hope.

Because we know how this persecution story - the one in which Saul plays his horrible part - ends.

We continue to read how he is surprised by a bright light and the voice of none other than Christ Himself on the road to continue in his work of persecution. And his heart is changed. Changed so drastically that he runs full force in the opposite direction - becoming one of the strongest voices in this movement he so opposed - against the people of the cross.

And all I can breathe is, "Do it again, Lord!"

Because only God, not politics, not retaliated violence, not even witnessing believers, ONLY GOD can so thoroughly change the hearts of those dead-set against His Way.

And God then sends Saul/Paul to the Gentiles "to open their eyes, so that they may turn from darkness to light and from the power of Satan to God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me" (Acts 26:18) - because who better to tell others about this life-changing Man than one whose life was so drastically changed?

And all I can think is, "Do it again, Lord!"

Change the heart of this "chosen leader" bringing death upon Your followers to one turning hearts from Darkness to Light.

Do it again, Lord!

And there are those working alongside and in partnership with Paul, proclaiming Jesus in boldness even among those who wish them harm and plot their deaths, yet they will not be persuaded.

Do it again, Lord!

And there is Paul, before the tribune, about to be flogged, yet again, for daring to stand in opposition to Jewish leaders who stand in opposition to the Resurrection, revealing his Roman citizenship and there is great fear by those carrying out this judgment against him, "The tribune answered, 'I bought this citizenship for a large sum,' Paul said, 'But I am a citizen by birth.'" (Acts 22:28).

And have we not, now, been born into a much greater citizenship than any on earth? We are citizens of Heaven! What can man do to us?!

"But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God" (Acts 20:24)

Do it in us, Lord!

Yes, in us, who are Gentiles, to whom this book of Acts - following an Old Testament and Gospels of Christ brimming with foreshadowing of the coming salvation to us, those not born of blood into His people, but now born of Blood into His people - is as precious as that promise to Abraham, to those who would be called His. This book that declares, over and over, of the salvation that has come for ALL people - even us.

Where for the first time, it is declared by those proclaiming his name, "Then to the Gentiles also God has granted repentance that leads to life." (Acts 11:18)

Those who emphatically repeat, "For the Lord has commanded us, saying, 'I have made you a light for the Gentiles, that you may bring salvation to the ends of the earth" (Acts 13:17), who recognize that "we [the Jews] believe that we will be saved through the grace of the Lord Jesus, just as they [the Gentiles] will" (15:11), "that they should seek God, and perhaps feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each of us" (17:27).

So beautiful is this Light for Revelation to the Gentiles (Luke 2:32) - how great the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure, that He should give His only Son to make a wretch His treasure.

And, we His people, dared to speak with boldness this Truth, "for we cannot but speak of what we have seen and heard" (Acts 4:20).

And He, our God, changing hearts we cannot even fathom to be able to be changed.

Do it again, Lord!

Of Being Where He Wants Me

For the past seven and a half years, I have attended a weekly women's Bible Study. As I look around the beautiful faces in the room, I notice that in the past seven and a half years I have seen many amazing women come and go. I have enjoyed deep conversation with a small room of women and a large gathering. It has grown, shrunk and then surged again. In the past seven and a half years, only I remain, along with our beautiful, fearless leader, of all the women I first met, who first welcomed me into the fold when I was the lone young newlywed.

It has been a fun journey through pregnancies and babies and average life changes - for me. The others who have come and gone (and come back again!) have had maybe more ups and downs. It's a regular weekly meeting I wouldn't dream of missing unless absolutely necessary. It's my time for adult conversation, yummy food and a little girl talk.

But this past semester has completely wrecked me.

I've mentioned before, we are steadily pushing along through a book titled 66 Love Letters by Dr. Larry Crabb. I'm not gonna lie, it's been hard at times. And I don't always agree with how the author presents things, but I remind myself he is only the tour guide - he's not the curator and most definitely not the artist - he has come to give clear, concise information about each work, though the final analysis and interpretation for the individual visitor is up to them. The works can speak to each individual on their own - and a meandering solo visit can most certainly be the most personal and wonderful way to see it all, but sometimes a guided tour helps to flesh things out just a little more. I know through this tour I'm digging out more than I ever had on my own - even when I don't agree with the author's particular assessment. It pushes me to dig more and read deeper than ever before.

When we began this book back in August, I was in the throes of depression. Life felt empty, tasks meaningless, and I was just done. I was exactly where He wanted me. He has systematically, through the course of  the first 39 books of His Word, weeded out the unfulfilling parts of my life, pointed out the ugly (though we're still working on eradicating that) and brought me to the brink. The end of the Old Testament - when everyone is seeing the true picture, that we can't do this God relationship on our own. We will never be good enough.

And I'm in a place I have never been before.

Where I can truly say nothing - nothing - in this life satisfies my desires. He has become my only source of joy. And it's not that nothing satisfies like Him - it's honestly that nothing satisfies other than Him.

I've seen this most clearly in the past couple weeks. I have had a few opportunities (including that precious Wednesday morning time) to just be with other ladies. These are the times I have so craved in the past. Late (late!) night chats at a retreat, a gathering of girls at a friends' house just to giggle and eat and be together, and those treasured 30 minutes before Bible Study begins - the time built into the schedule just for catching up. And over these past couple of weeks, I've walked away from these times I used to so anticipate and felt, just, disappointed. Unsatisfied. Because suddenly what I crave are moments in His word. The portion of Bible Study where we delve fully into Zechariah and rejoice in the hope revealed. Deep discussions of His goodness and what He's saying to us. Basking in the glory of the moments His Grace has appeared. These are what my soul desires.

And I'm exactly where He wants me.

Because now I want nothing more than to go Home. To be with Him. And He points out my selfishness. Because I am ready - but what about them. What about my children, my neighbors, or those millions of humans of New York. Are they ready? My selfish heart bursts - oh how I want them to know Him, too.

They need this Gospel - the one we're about to break open as we head into the New Testament portion of this journey - the portion my heart has eagerly awaited. And all I want to do is curl up and read it all, devour it - this life-changing message for all who would hear (all who would hear!). To soak it in, ready to bleed it out.

Yes, I'm exactly where He wants me.

Of Heeding God's Demands

Lately I've been feeling as though it's a difficult time just keeping my feet on the ground, or even as though life has any other purpose besides making it to the end of the day. I could easily blame it on the fact that I've been enduring yet another first trimester with three out-of-womb little ones scurrying underfoot. And, certainly, there is something to that excuse.

But I'd be lying if I blamed it all on the tiny critters over-running our home.

Truly, I've just been disconnected. From life, from my family and, most of all (and most importantly), from God.

I've been doing the basics - attending church (when we've been in town), pulling out the Bible once or twice a week to half-heartedly read a few verses or to get my "fix" so I'd feel better for just a little while. But it wasn't sustaining me, because I wasn't allowing it to. I was trying to get by on my own strength and this nausea, headache, trying-to-eat-right-for-the-baby-when-all-I-want-to-do-is-suck-down-all-the-gross-things-that-will-only-further-the-nausea-and-the-headaches time of my life was not giving me much strength with which to work.

Thus, when it was time to get back in the routine of Wednesday morning Bible Study with my favorite girls, I was very ready to have something specific to study that would encourage me to open the Word every day (because, let's be honest, I'm a rules-follower, and if someone gives me homework, I'm going to do it, because it would hurt my heart not to).

But I really wasn't prepared for Ms. Priscilla Shirer to go messing with my business on Day 1. I was ready for a soft intro before hitting the big guns. But that's just not her way.

We started Gideon's story before Gideon even enters the picture. To set the scene, she shows a little of life in his culture, but before that, even, she takes us back to Deuteronomy 7:1-2, where God is giving the Israelites specific instructions before they move to take their Promised Land - and the most basic of these instructions is that they are to wipe out EVERY people group in their way. It seems harsh, but God has His reasons. He knows that even a little of the enemy is enough to mess with their security and their future.

Fast forward to the beginning of Judges (1:21 and forward, to be exact), when we see the tribes of Israel flat out ignoring God. One after another, we visit the tribes in their new lands, still living with the Canaanites! They didn't wipe them out. Not even close. They're living side-by-side with the enemy. Now, in some territories, they forced the Canaanites into labor. So, of course, we can hear their justifications: "Everyone else is keeping them around. We can just cut them back a little; we'll make them work for us. We don't really need to cut them out altogether. That's just unnecessary - a little drastic, don't we agree?"

And at this point, I don't know about you, but I want to kick the Israelites (as we wanted back when they were whining in the desert and multiple other times in their history) - God told you to do something; so just do it! Don't you get it by now?!

Sigh. Some people.

Ms. Shirer goes on to summarize the effects of their disobedience to God's clear demands,

"Had Israel destroyed Canaan's inhabitants as instructed, the ungodly influence and infiltration of idolatry would have all but evaporated. Had there been no enemies left in their territory, the Israelites could have settled into the enjoyment of God's promised land instead of facing extended struggle and oppression from their neighbors."

Basically, life would have been amazing - as God intended it. But they thought they knew better. And they paid for it for the rest of history.

Stupid Israelites (pardon my frankness).

And then . . . THEN . . . Ms. Shirer has to go get all up in MY business: "Are you facing any battles today due to something you didn't destroy earlier?"

Wait, what?

I thought we were talking about the Israelites.  Those guys are annoying. They're the ones not listening to God. I'm just over here living my life. God doesn't want or need me to wipe out any people groups. Thank you.

But there was something.

There was something he asked me to give up a long time ago. Something that should have been a far easier task than committing genocide. But I didn't. I rationalized it: "Everyone else does it - so it's not like it's really bad, right? And, besides, I know it's taking up a lot of my time, but I can just cut back. I can make it work for me. We don't really need to cut this out altogether. That's just unnecessary - a little drastic."

So I kept it around. To comfort me when I wasn't feeling well, to distract me when I didn't feel like thinking about anything deep. And, more and more, I was turning to outside sources to fill my time, my mind, my heart, rather than filling up on the Word of God and finding my satisfaction in Him.

And hear me, what God was asking me to cut out was not something anyone else, had they heard me struggle over the instructions, would have said was a necessity to get rid of. It's nothing inherently bad, nothing the Bible condemns.

But God had asked me to cut it cleanly out of my life. And I had ignored Him. And my heart was feeling the infiltration from the Enemy. I had been disconnected from God.

So, this time I'm listening. I'm taking a lesson from those stupid Israelites, and I'm cutting this virus out.

Because when God speaks, we need to listen. #LessonsFromGideon

Of My Fallow Ground

"Sow for yourselves righteousness; reap steadfast love; break up your fallow ground, for it is time to seek the LORD, that he may come and rain righteousness upon you." - Hosea 10:12

Breaking up my fallow ground.  This is what God is definitely doing in my heart right now.  In the middle of Bible Study this morning, I reigned in the tears more than once as I realized God was messing with things.  Things I had let settle for years, decades, really.  This ground had become so solid, so tread upon that it was just home for me.  And suddenly, in an hour and a half, everything was breaking loose and weeds, long-since accepted as commonplace, were being uprooted.

For so long, I have struggled with the insecurity that said I wasn't good enough, wasn't worth the investment as a friend, one to be trusted, called upon or enjoyed.  Then, as I looked at the relationships which surround me, women pouring into other women, relying on them during the rough times and laughing with them during the good ones, I realized it wasn't them shutting me out.  It was me.

Independence has been a blessing when I feel called to follow the Lord in unconventional ways.  I have rarely found myself as the one who seeks approval from others in my convictions.  I follow what I know to be true, what God has called me to do.  And that's good, I think.

But my independence runs deep.  Very, very deep.  While I have learned to let others care for me in physical ways, providing for what I lack or meeting my needs when I am unable, I have kept the door very tightly sealed when it comes to my emotional needs.  I am very uncomfortable at the idea of relying emotionally on anyone.  And it took me a long time to realize this fact.

Unfortunately, while admitting you have a problem may be the first step, it is not the only step.  While I recognized my inability to depend on others, even while crying out to be allowed to do so, I did not know how to fix it.

Though I had spent nights literally crying myself to sleep, begging God to send me one genuine friend - the kind I could call in the middle of the night with an urgent need, or when I have the best news and need to share it - the kind I had seen all around me but to whom I had not allowed myself to open up, I became like those in Hosea's time, of whom it was said, "And they do not cry to me from their hearts when they wail on their beds" (Hosea 7:14).

Because this was the real root of my problem, the root God dug up today and shoved right in my face, it wasn't just people I had been shutting out, allowing to meet my physical needs, but not my emotional ones, it was God Himself.

While I deeply believe He will always provide for our needs - income, a house, furniture, food, bills - and I am absolutely willing to follow wherever He leads, I had not trusted, truly trusted, Him to be my all in all.  To take all of me, every emotion, every up, every down, and love me.  I constantly feel as though He is disappointed in me, for some failure to do something just right.  I'm not watching the right thing on TV (or turning it off altogether), I'm not serving food to the homeless, I'm not seeking out the poor or speaking to the lost; I'm not furthering His kingdom; I'm too lazy, too selfish, too proud.  I'm too human.  He may love me, I supposed, but He doesn't really like me.  How could He?  How could anyone?

And there it was.  My fallow ground.  All broken up.

I wish I could tell you my rosy ending, but I just can't yet.  Because this is where God and I are, just finishing the pulling up of the weeds, preparing the soil of my heart for fresh seeds of Truth, the sowing of righteousness and his redemptive rains, the ones He has promised to those who seek Him.


1,000 Gifts:
163. Our lives, entwined with those around us.
164. The roots of this tree which has grown so much in the past five years.
165. Gratitude and Joy, walking hand-in-hand
166. The Word of God - proof of His unfailing faithfulness
167. Knowing we have trained two other babies to sleep on their own; we can do it again.
168. A husband who knows me deeper than anyone and continues to love.

Taking Time for Play: Beauty

There is a definite beauty in Truth

The song which has been playing in my heart today:

Of R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I absolutely love the Amplified Bible.  It has a way of breaking down and delving into the meanings of the words, putting all of it right there together in the verse, giving much more depth to what one is reading.  It can be a bit wordy and difficult to follow because of all the supposed bunny trails, but if you're wanting an in-depth look into one small chunk, I would recommend checking out the verses, first, in your preferred translation and, second, in the Amplified (and, third, in The Message, to give an even further dimension).

My women's Bible study at church has been focusing on contentment and this week's challenge is finding contentment in our relationships.  As far as our relationship with our husband, this contentment is clearly to be found in understanding our role as a wife and learning to do that well.

A key verse for this kind of study is typically Ephesians 5:33, "However let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."  There is really so much to be understood from that one small verse, but today, in reading the Amplified version, I found so much more meat, a blueprint, really, for how to love my husband fully.

"However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self, and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly]." (Ephesians 5:33 AMP, emphasis added)

Wow!  So much meaning hidden in that tiny command to respect and reverence our husbands (which, let's be honest, can be a challenge in and of itself).  Respect can sometimes be a vague concept and this breakdown provided by the Amplified Bible really puts walking shoes on how we are to live it out.

Sometimes we may defer to our husband and consider that alone as respecting him, but in my deference, am I praising his decisions and making certain he knows I love him and admire him exceedingly?  Or other times I lean more toward being sure he knows I love him deeply, but not trusting him to lead.  Respect is such a dynamic concept and we need to be sure we are living this command fully.

I know these words have challenged me today to love my husband in the way he deserves, as ordained by God himself.

1,000 Gifts:
127. Full instructions on how to love my husband completely.
128. My daughter reciting her first memory verse.
139. Breakfast devotions with an engaged three-year-old (and a little boy who wants to be involved, even if he doesn't understand).
130. Remembering my real "job" is being a mother - and that might mean playing a game and learning not to let it bother me when she doesn't understand the rules.
131. Experimenting with foreign foods from old memories.
132. Finally cleaning out a closet that was well overdue.


Taking Time for Play: Relaxation
That man I love so much enjoys watching Godzilla cartoons on Netflix with all three of his little ones.

My new recipe for the day: Borscht!  Buying the beet for this the other day brought to mind references from both "Doug" and "The Office."  "Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica!"  But it all looks so pretty getting ready to be boiled.  

And the end result was pretty good - maybe not something I'll make again (it wasn't fabulous enough for the amount of work that went into it), but I'm glad I ventured out in our meal plans.