Of My Perfect Day

For many years, I have lamented my summer birthday. My summer birthday that is less than a week before the Fourth of July - meaning I had no fun surprises at school, no balloons at my locker, no one singing to me in the halls, no elementary school parties (except for the lame one that covers "all the summer birthdays"), and to top it off, by the time my birthday came, everyone was out of town, so no party, in general. Lame.

Then, I got married and you'd think that would be a built-in celebration - after all, my family isn't going on vacation without me, so they have to be with me on my birthday. True. But I happened to marry a man whose special day is only three days after mine. So, out of a perfect storm of failed birthday pasts, fear of no one actually planning anything for birthday celebrations at all, and needing to budget for two birthdays in one week, I took over all planning on my own. I would plan a special day for the two of us to celebrate together just to be sure I got to celebrate at all.

And then, out of the gratefulness of my heart, I lamented those birthdays, as well. Because I just wanted a day that someone else planned, that I didn't have to do anything but be the birthday girl. Because it's my party, and I'll cry if I want to.

And bless my husband's heart. He has tried. And the few times I have loosened the reigns of planning a little, told him, "That's it - this year I'm not planning anything!" I have always taken it back, mostly. So he has tried. And he has succeeded a few times and I have truly enjoyed the efforts everyone has put in to every one of my birthdays. Really, I do. But in the end, I didn't know how to really appreciate it all.

But this year was different.

This year, I had just been traveling off and on for three weeks solid. So I was done planning. And I was out of money. So, I was simply letting go of birthdays and letting the chips fall where they may. It looks like we got each other tires for our birthdays, anyway - woohoo.

And then I got a card (complete with fake grapes) from a precious friend promising an adventure. And because I don't know how to not whine, I still whined about giving up my birthday weekend - a rare free Saturday this summer - to someone else. I'm a peach to live with, I tell you.

But she did not disappoint. We enjoyed a mini road trip to neighboring towns, exploring antique shops, sharing histories and buying fried pies. She took me to a local "wildlife" park - something that wouldn't be considered worth the price of admission considering the overabundance of donkeys and llamas - disproportionate to the amount of actual wild animals present in the park. But then you have to consider your company. And the laughter that comes from mocking the poor, fat, over-fed-by-park-visitors-like-us creatures that come to the car windows, knowing you've bought cups full of junk-food-feed just for them and knowing you're a sucker for those big teeth and furry heads.

The memories that come from chucking a cup full of feed at an approaching camel because you're freaked out if he gets his head in that window while you were trying to take a picture, you'll never be able to get it back out - those memories are priceless. 

Worth every. darn. penny. 

Afterward, we stopped by what we thought would be an average antique store, though it boasted the word "museum" - and learned that hidden inside was a trove of antique cars in mint condition and Harley Davidsons in styles we never even knew existed, and a shop-owner so happy to just have visitors and eager to talk. Unexpected beauty in unexpected places.

It was definitely the #happybirthday2016 #adventure I was promised. 

And that would have made for a satisfying birthday by itself.

And then the actual day on the calendar rolled around. On the heels of a VERY difficult Monday - the kind of day that left me in tears at midnight, hating the fact that this was already my birthday and I didn't even want it.

I woke up with fresh eyes, but a groggy brain, dressed for a doctor's appointment, armed with garden-fresh tomatoes to take to the sister-in-law afterward and left home. Yet, I knew the day had potential. So, while dropping off the tomatoes, I posed a possibility. Would she go with me to a little town an hour away to buy myself a dress I'd seen on my birthday #adventure and hadn't been able to stop thinking about? She peered around, considered the possibility and went with it. What a blessing that decision was. Precious car time with this girl I don't spend enough time with, discussing what's really going on in our lives. Two new outfits (one for me, one for an itty-bitty-pretty back home), two baskets of peaches and a bag of onions later, we made it back home.

And that would have made for a satisfying birthday by itself.

I spent the afternoon watching TV with the kids while coloring in the new book my sweet husband purchased for me (not because he had to - because I told him, we got tires, remember? - but because he truly wanted to buy something just for me) and then, finally, FINALLY scrolling through my Facebook feed.

Now, I'm typically not a fan of Facebook birthday wishes - repetetive greetings - many by people who I treasure, but some by people I'm thinking "Who are you, again?" - it has become almost an annoyance. But this birthday, inspired by a friend more creative than I, I had requested something more - memes for my birthday, laughter to brighten the droll obligatory birthday greetings. And those friends of mine did not disappoint. I chuckled, smiled and rolled my eyes through over a hundred special greetings and memes selected just for me - each one reflecting a bit of that friend and making me remember why I'm glad they're in my life. I later heard from many that my Facebook birthday feed was the highlight of their day and it was hilarious fodder for conversation over coffee and cake with friends later that evening. Truly - it was amazing.

And that would have made for a satisfying birthday by itself.

But it wasn't over yet.

After memes, naps, the library, dinner made by my wonderful husband, cake, candles, an imagined visit from the Birthday Bird of Katroo (the kids insisted Daddy read me the same Dr. Seuss story we read them every year on their birthdays) and kisses good-bye, it was off to Bible Study where I was challenged by the incredible Priscilla Shirer and enjoyed spiritual discussions with sweet ladies, after which, I was told I was going out for coffee (not invited, mind you, told!). 

But on my way, I was captured by the most brilliant sunset. With clouds overhead, the sun was limited to bursting through a thin break just at the horizon. It was streaks of orange and yellow and purple that one couldn't just look away from. It hurt me to turn my back on it to go anywhere else. So I didn't. I chased it down, tried to capture it on camera (impossible) and just reveled in the beauty. Like a birthday gift from the Creator Himself.

Finally, tearing myself away, I headed to my last stop for the night - that demanded coffee date. As I emerged from the car, notes of "Happy Birthday to you!" wafted over the Starbucks parking lot, from the patio with waiting friends at a table decorated just for me. We enjoyed cake, much laughter and delightful conversation. I even got to use my free birthday drink from Starbucks - a venti (because, why not?!) Double Fudge Bar Frappuccino, with waffle cone sprinkles, java chips suggested by the barista and a drizzle of caramel sauce (because why not just add everything you can imagine when it's all free anyway?). This close to Heaven, I tell you. We sat in the dark, listening to the ambiance of the weed-trimming next door, and were just girls - moms with breaks from the kids - for just an evening.

And that made it a satisfying birthday, all together.

I truly could not have asked for a better day.

And the best part was, I didn't have to plan any of it in advance. It just happened. It fell together through spontaneity and the careful planning of others. I was free to sit back and let the chips fall where they may - and they did - into beautiful places.

So, thank you, officially, to all of you who participated, either in person, or on-line, or over the phone. I treasure each one of you and feel more loved than you can imagine.

And PS - Those summer birthdays, I've realized, are a treasure in and of themselves. Because of my summer birthday, I've spent some of my past special days at Disneyland with my family, being sung to in Spanish down in Peru, at a carnival with friends, gifted with bottles of root beer by sweet campers in Maine, enjoying my favorite restaurant that's not local, while on a road trip with my husband and kids and being sung to under the dark cloudy, but warm sky over Starbucks, staying up too late because we can. Summer birthdays, I've decided, are kind of awesome.

Of Opening My Eyes

Through my current Bible Study of Beth Moore's "Mercy Triumphs" we were recently asked (in the workbook, not in person - I don't feel like this is going to be next week's small group discussion question) what one thing was we've been desperately wanting and know is possible because we see others who have it.  She was drumming up fodder for a discussion on jealousy, if you couldn't tell.

At first I didn't know what to say.

Physically I have all I need.  There are silly things here and there I think would be nice to have - a guest room, a front porch, extra hours in the day.  But no glaring lack came to mind.  No bitter jealousy over that job, that family or that perfect kitchen.  I am, overall, satisfied with the blessings we have been given, knowing we have more than enough.

But then one word in the following paragraph brought all my desires flooding in: "relationship."

Bingo.

That was it for me.  Friendship.

Don't get me wrong.  I have friends.  I have beautiful, wonderful friends.  I have friends with whom I can talk for hours if you get us all in the room together, I have friends with whom I can chat on the phone occasionally (I'm not much of a phone girl unless it's my only option), I have friends I see at church, I have friends on Facebook and I even have friends living within 50 yards of myself.

But I hold myself back.

I'm afraid of getting too attached because it seems every time I allow people in, life happens, separation occurs and I have to start all over again.  And I get weary.

What I really wanted - what I tried to communicate in that small space on the blank page - was a friend I knew I could call at any hour of the night (should the need arise), a friend who just knows when I'm having a bad day and will bring me a frappuccino to soothe my soul, the kind I don't feel bad about asking to watch my kids so I can go to the dentist or who I can call because there's a chick flick playing at the dollar theater (that now charges $2, but will always be the dollar theater in my mind).

That's what I want.

God spoke to me two things:

1) What I was looking for in one human being was everything He wants to be for me.  He is my confidante, the one Who lifts my soul and knows me better than I will ever know myself.  He is there, day or night, and will never scoff when I call on Him.  He wants to know me, He wants to me to trust Him with my kids, and He wants to spend time with me.  No, it's not the same, exactly, but He's not going to put someone in my life that I would potentially use as His replacement.  He should always be my first source of comfort and strength.

2) What I was looking for in one human being God has already given me in so many different, magnificent people.  Sometimes I get picky.  Sometimes I get jealous.  I want the cliched "best friend" - you know, the one who would wear the other half of my broken-heart necklace if we were still in middle school.  But God is continually, even just in these past weeks, opening new doors of friendship for me.  Deepening relationships that already exist and carrying new opportunities to my doorstep.

How could I possibly long for more?

So, instead of longing for that one perfect friendship, I'm taking a different route.  I'm making the deliberate effort to be the kind of friend I had so desperately (and so long) longed for.

Crazy how pouring myself out brings in so much more richness of fellowship than I ever found when I was looking to be poured into.

I love how He does that.

1,000 Gifts:
957. Lunch with friends
958. Strawberry milkshakes (for the kids)
959. Chatting, just chatting
960. Being open
961. Hugs and kisses

Of Being Prepared

For a long time I have entertained the thought in the far depths of my mind that if anything ever happened to me my husband would be lost.  He would not know how to access our account so he could pay the bills.  He would not know where to find my poor excuse of a budget or even where some of our important documents are kept.  These housekeeping things are my responsibility (because I'm the nerd, according to Dave Ramsey), which I'm okay with and Philip is rather glad to have one (or many) less thing(s) to worry about.  

But then there's the issue of not being guaranteed tomorrow.

Then what?

So, while I'd really intended to break this all down for him a long time ago, I just know his poor memory would be overwhelmed to have to store possibly useless information for an indefinite period of time.  That's why I was so excited when one of my favorite women in the world posted on her blog about the document she'd created for she and her husband in the case of an emergency.  And, then, what was even better, she posted it for download.  

I knew there was a reason we were friends.  She totally takes care of me - just like she did way back in our college days when she not only told me what tests to take when for certification, but she drove me there and even took me to Sonic on the way home (ok, so maybe that was for her, but whatever).  See?  She's the best.

And even though she posted it awhile ago, I just now got around to filling it out (because I didn't have anyone holding my hand to do it).  So now we have all of our information in one place, password protected and sent to those who may need to reference these things in the unlikely event something takes us both out.  

Only now I'm walking around with this irrational fear, the same one that had me rushing to get the e-mails sent before we left for church even, that because I've finally completed the task, something is going to happen.  As if we'll be that tragic story that ends with "and she had JUST created her Legacy document that afternoon!".  

So for now, at least, I'm driving a little more carefully and trying to stay indoors during this lightning storm.  Because you just never know.

1,000 Gifts:

926. Lightning storms (when I'm inside, of course)

927. Having enough

928. Peace for the future

Of Amazing Generosity

A few days ago our washer up and quit on me.  It returned an error and failed to complete washing the diapers I had started the night before (yes, unwashed diapers sitting in their own, undrained water - it was quite lovely).  Faced with the indecision of attempting to fix it ourselves (with an expensive part) or calling in a professional and crossing our fingers for a cheap fix (though the professional would be no cheaper than the part, I'm sure), I posted our sad predicament on Facebook.

Immediately I was inundated with offers to use the washing machines of others, friends begging me to leave my unwashed items on my porch so they could come do them for me and even a free washer.  Have I mentioned we have the best friends in the world?

So, right now I'm listening to the rattle of a much-too-loud machine that doesn't have the fancy cycles to which I am accustomed.  But what's important?  I'm listening to a machine that works.  That we spent not a penny on.

God is good.

Also, I'm thinking my oven might be broken next week, any offers?  Hehe, I kid, I kid.

1,000 Gifts:
793. The generosity of friends
794. Ch-ch-ch-changes.
795. Morning dew between my toes.
796. The final pink wisps of sunrise.
797. Cooling air that marks the end of summer.
798. A new orange friend.

Photo from Yesterday: 
Game Night!  Micaiah is actually a Super-Star at Monopoly Junior.

Whole 30:
Day 16 - 
Breakfast - Scrambled Eggs, Banana
Lunch - Salad with Chicken Carnitas and Guacamole
Snack - 1/2 Banana Bread Larabar (my second favorite so far, Apple Pie being first favorite)
Dinner - Shashlik, Crunchy Broccoli Slaw (SO good!  Philip wasn't a fan because it was too sweet for him with the White Balsamic Vinegar - but Emmett and I loved it.)

Day 17 - 
Breakfast - Scrambled Eggs, Banana
Lunch - Leftover Shaslik, Crunchy Broccoli Slaw, Grapes
Snack - Mixed Nuts
Dinner - Beef and Chicken Fondue with Mojo Cooking Style, Broccoli, Green Peppers

Worst Part of these Days - Feeling like we're still not past the craving stage.  More than halfway through and I'd like to stop waiting for this thing to be over and really appreciate eating good food - which I do sometimes, but it feels like we vacillate - it's definitely been a roller coaster that doesn't feel like it's evening out.

Best Part of these Days - Looking at my kids' colorful lunch plates, with carrots, grapes, cherries, cheese (yes, they still get cheese) and other good-for-them foods and knowing our eating habits are affecting them in a positive way.

Of Friends

One thing I love about Micaiah, which is so unlike her introvert parents, is the fact that every person she meets is a friend.  

On Saturday, as the neighbor child and her cousins played in the wooden castle overlooking the fence and, therefore, our own backyard, Micaiah got so excited, "It's my friends!"  And, yet, she had never met these girls.  Not once.  But the fact that they were there and Micaiah was there was all she needed - they carried on quite the conversation for the duration of their time outdoors.

Likewise, as our wonderful neighbor (on the other side) came to take me to a Ladies' Tea Party (which was wonderful), Micaiah was thrilled that a friend had come to play.  Sadly, we left quickly, leaving no time for play.  So when I arrived home and entered their room to kiss she and Emmett good night, Micaiah inquired of her friend.  When told she had to go to her own house, my little extrovert's response was, "Awww, but whyy? Her's my best friend!"

If she's seen a picture of a child, it's her friend.  If someone walks in the front door, they're a friend.  If anyone smiles at her, they're a friend.  

Someday I'll learn from her - to recognize the potential for friendship in almost anyone who crosses my path.  For now I live in admiration of her open heart and eager spirit.

1,000 Gifts (inspired by the lists here and here):

241. A well-worn CD, remembrance of days past colliding with the present.

242. My "Love" necklace purchased for a quarter at a garage sale hosted by surprisingly spunky elderly women in a deceptively sketchy old farm house.

243. The jeans that are probably marked as a size too small, but they make me feel good. 

244. A God who cares enough to place valuable friendships into my life.

245. Kissing kids good night in the dark, when they should be sleeping but are really waiting for Mommy to get home.

246. One warm child on either side, with an infant in my lap, begging me to read their books, whether they be alphabet-centered or inspired by Dora the Explorer.

My Life: My Eyes

I have yet to have a little one inherit these baby-blue irises (much to the chagrin of my parents), but I love my three brown-eyed beauties, so I'm not complaining.

Of My Fallow Ground

"Sow for yourselves righteousness; reap steadfast love; break up your fallow ground, for it is time to seek the LORD, that he may come and rain righteousness upon you." - Hosea 10:12

Breaking up my fallow ground.  This is what God is definitely doing in my heart right now.  In the middle of Bible Study this morning, I reigned in the tears more than once as I realized God was messing with things.  Things I had let settle for years, decades, really.  This ground had become so solid, so tread upon that it was just home for me.  And suddenly, in an hour and a half, everything was breaking loose and weeds, long-since accepted as commonplace, were being uprooted.

For so long, I have struggled with the insecurity that said I wasn't good enough, wasn't worth the investment as a friend, one to be trusted, called upon or enjoyed.  Then, as I looked at the relationships which surround me, women pouring into other women, relying on them during the rough times and laughing with them during the good ones, I realized it wasn't them shutting me out.  It was me.

Independence has been a blessing when I feel called to follow the Lord in unconventional ways.  I have rarely found myself as the one who seeks approval from others in my convictions.  I follow what I know to be true, what God has called me to do.  And that's good, I think.

But my independence runs deep.  Very, very deep.  While I have learned to let others care for me in physical ways, providing for what I lack or meeting my needs when I am unable, I have kept the door very tightly sealed when it comes to my emotional needs.  I am very uncomfortable at the idea of relying emotionally on anyone.  And it took me a long time to realize this fact.

Unfortunately, while admitting you have a problem may be the first step, it is not the only step.  While I recognized my inability to depend on others, even while crying out to be allowed to do so, I did not know how to fix it.

Though I had spent nights literally crying myself to sleep, begging God to send me one genuine friend - the kind I could call in the middle of the night with an urgent need, or when I have the best news and need to share it - the kind I had seen all around me but to whom I had not allowed myself to open up, I became like those in Hosea's time, of whom it was said, "And they do not cry to me from their hearts when they wail on their beds" (Hosea 7:14).

Because this was the real root of my problem, the root God dug up today and shoved right in my face, it wasn't just people I had been shutting out, allowing to meet my physical needs, but not my emotional ones, it was God Himself.

While I deeply believe He will always provide for our needs - income, a house, furniture, food, bills - and I am absolutely willing to follow wherever He leads, I had not trusted, truly trusted, Him to be my all in all.  To take all of me, every emotion, every up, every down, and love me.  I constantly feel as though He is disappointed in me, for some failure to do something just right.  I'm not watching the right thing on TV (or turning it off altogether), I'm not serving food to the homeless, I'm not seeking out the poor or speaking to the lost; I'm not furthering His kingdom; I'm too lazy, too selfish, too proud.  I'm too human.  He may love me, I supposed, but He doesn't really like me.  How could He?  How could anyone?

And there it was.  My fallow ground.  All broken up.

I wish I could tell you my rosy ending, but I just can't yet.  Because this is where God and I are, just finishing the pulling up of the weeds, preparing the soil of my heart for fresh seeds of Truth, the sowing of righteousness and his redemptive rains, the ones He has promised to those who seek Him.


1,000 Gifts:
163. Our lives, entwined with those around us.
164. The roots of this tree which has grown so much in the past five years.
165. Gratitude and Joy, walking hand-in-hand
166. The Word of God - proof of His unfailing faithfulness
167. Knowing we have trained two other babies to sleep on their own; we can do it again.
168. A husband who knows me deeper than anyone and continues to love.

Taking Time for Play: Beauty

There is a definite beauty in Truth

The song which has been playing in my heart today:

Of Belonging

Over the years, here and there, Satan has hit me in my lowest points of insecurity to convince me I am an outcast.  No one cares and in my social circles I am merely tolerated.  These are the lies with which I have been attacked and to which, in helpless moments, I have succumbed.

If anything, God has used this "overdue" Little One to show Philip and I just how much we are loved, by Him and His Family.  We have felt, in just the past week - the week of waiting, watching and hoping - the love of Our Father through the words of encouragement and affirmation, the acts of service and the most unnecessary tangible gifts of those surrounding us.  Our family, our friends, the hands and feet of God Himself.

His perfect timing has allowed us to be showered upon with an acceptance and love we have been told by the enemy didn't exist.  This a blessing greater than any due date or early arrival could have ever produced.

We appreciate every one of you and are so humbled to know you are there to lift us up as we stumble through this period of waiting, simply waiting.

And the ice cream hasn't hurt, either.

Photos of the Day:  This is how I spent my morning and post-lunch/pre-nap hour - snuggling with my two Big Kids who dragged their blankets and pillows to the couch all on their own and settled in with me uninvited (but so welcome):

Of Retreating

I have just this evening returned from our church's first ever Ladies Retreat to Falls Creek (if you don't know what Falls Creek is, you're clearly not from Oklahoma - and that's about all you're missing out on).  We were able to rent a ridiculously luxurious "cabin" at this typically-reserved-for-youth-groups "summer" camp for the night.  It made for a great 24-hours away to re-charge our batteries and re-connect as girls.

Of course, my traveling an hour and a half away from home at nearly 39 weeks pregnant made everyone around me a little anxious - but I had been praying for this baby to just wait until after today*.  And baby (and God) listened.  I was given the time I needed to remember how to dwell in God and come up under His wing as His beloved daughter.  What a breath of fresh air.

And now that this retreat is complete and I am safe at home, this baby has the green light to come whenever it is ready.  Bring on the contractions!  (Ok, let's be honest, they've already been brought, but I would appreciate it if they were more real than those I've been having over the past couple of days.)

*Please note: For those who are even now questioning my sanity, I am well aware that my body, in the past, has taken well longer than an hour and a half to deliver a baby, so even if typical signs of labor had appeared during the 24 hours I was away, I was quite certain I could return home.  And, in the extremely unlikely event something of a more emergent nature had occurred, I was surrounded by a wealth of nurses, both past and present - two of whom are currently labor and delivery nurses at our local hospital (one of whom aided in the delivery of our son) - so I knew I was in good, safe hands in either case.

 Sunrise out my window.  I did not even get out of bed for this picture (seriously, it was sunrise, not "wake-up time", as Micaiah would call it).

 The three "Preg-o's" who couldn't take the discomfort of the plastic chairs for another session commandeered (with the help of more able-bodied friends) a couch for the back row.  Yes, I look like a whale - don't judge.