Not Gonna Lie

In the interest of brutal honesty, I'll share my night last night with you all.

Apparently Emmett read yesterday's post and decided to mock me. "Three hours is bad?" he said to himself, "I'll show her!" And thus he woke even more frequently last night. If you recall, I had not quite been blessed with the opportunity to make up for my lost rest the night before so by the time yesterday evening came, I was not ready to wake in the middle of the night, let alone as often as he demanded.

By 3:15am I was crying as a result of a lack of sleep, an overwhelming amount of bitterness and a desire to simply step away from being a mommy for just a day.

Here is my pure honesty: My faith at this point began to falter. You see, I had prayed yesterday for the opportunity for just one little nap. That did not happen. I prayed last night that he would sleep well. That did not happen. I prayed even after his first feeding that maybe he would sleep just a little longer than he had been. He slept an hour less. Why did it seem that for every petition I lifted out of desperation I received not only a "no" in response, but what appeared to be the exact opposite? I was afraid to pray further for fear this restlessness would get even worse. And I was ashamed.

God was breaking me. And by 5:30am He succeeded. After one more hour of sleep, clearness began to enter my foggy mind. Rather than a bitterness at the fact that my son was crying yet again, I was overcome with a feeling of thankfulness.

I have a baby.

A healthy, wonderful baby boy.

His beautiful older sister was sleeping peacefully in the room next door.

I have so much for which I should be uttering unending prayers of gratitude. I have what others only dream of and here I have the audacity to be angry that I'm called to care for these blessings? How selfish could I get?

So as my sleepy and hungry son nuzzled next to me, his soft hair brushing my arm, I gave thanks to my God, my Provider. Thanks for this life where the most difficult thing I face is sleeping a couple hours less than I am used to. And, rather than my selfish words of pleading, I lifted prayers for those I know who actually are in desperate need at this moment.

Forgive me, Lord, for my ungratefulness. Remind me always of the blessings I have received.