Our church this evening hosted an event for ladies entitled "For Real," wherein we focused on removing the masks and living life, real life, with one another.
This is my "For Real" moment.
I showed up at church this evening, on time, feeling pretty great about myself. In the hour and a half prior to arriving (did I mention, on time?), I had finished my daily Bible Study (something I've been having trouble keeping up with lately), I had prepared two bottles of milk for my son who decided to sleep in rather than wake for dinner, I had made dinner for the solid-food-eating portion of my family and left it warming in the oven (and even had time to indulge in some of the Chicken Nugget Casserole myself). I was on top of the world, my world.
The evening went great. I felt useful, needed. The worship and message were wonderful - although I felt more focused on the tasks I would fulfill afterward than I was on the words themselves (hello, Busy Woman). I completed those tasks, headed home, windows down, music playing. Life was good.
I walked in the door, greeted my husband warmly and then saw my couch. On it were a smattering of tape corners I had recently purchased for scrapbooking - a purchase I had been putting off for months and had finally taken care of. They were now lovingly dispersed all over the center cushion of my couch (presumably by none other than my gorgeous two-year-old). Not all of them, mind you, only about 20 or so (out of 250) and somehow something inside of me snapped.
Apparently those tiny, sticky squares represented all of the imperfection I had so beautifully attempted to paint over with all my efforts on this day. And my husband felt the wrath of my world crashing down around me. Over 20 sticky squares. 20 out of 250.
It did not take long into my meltdown for the focus of my ire to change tracks from everyone else who had apparently let this life-ending chaos to occur to myself who had no reason to react in the way that I did. I was ridiculous and I knew it. But I couldn't stop.
And then I deflated. And within minutes I was sitting, shoulders drooping, head cast down, tears falling. I saw the real me.
And it wasn't pretty.
And I am determined to let God change that.