09 February 2012

Of Trusting

God has been using this Little One, from the day he/she was first discovered to be taking up residence in my belly, to teach me what it means to truly trust in Him.

Lately, the trusting has come in the form of waiting.

As every day goes by, I less bemoan the fact that there is still a baby inside and more dread the approaching 42 week mark - the point at which I will be sent for medical intervention, ie, an induction.

Now, I know that induction is not the worst possible scenario - I've been through the Pitocin process twice before.  But it has been the exact situation we planned a homebirth to avoid.  I've endured birth via Pitocin and it has been my greatest excitement for the past 7.5 months to envision a drug-free birth.  To experience non-drug-induced contractions and allow myself the freedom to find my body's best way to birth - to experience it the way God intended.  This has been our goal, my dream.

And, yet, the clock is now ticking.  With each passing day we are that much closer to being back in the hospital, hooked up to the machines, birthing this baby the hospital's way, rather than our own.  Sigh.

On top of simply not wanting to deal with the effects of Pitocin, I also severely dread what a hospital birth will mean for our budget.  It's not cheap and we've already paid our midwives - so to pay for both, well, I'd rather not talk about it.

So I have lived in fear and anxiety for the past couple of days knowing what's coming and praying, ever praying for my will to be done.

Yet, that's not the right response.  I know that.

Yesterday God broke me, emptied me, and filled me with peace.  He reminded me of this tough lesson of trust He has already been working in me.  To say I am trusting God in this situation does not (or should not) mean I am "trusting" Him to accomplish my desired outcome it should mean I am trusting Him to work all things together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28), even if they're not how I planned them.  It's trusting Him to know what is best - even if it means Pitocin, even if it means the hospital, even it means more bills.  It's trusting Him to provide, as He always has, when undesired outcomes mean undesired fees.

So I am trusting.  I am finding peace.  This baby may well come in the next week, all on its own.  This baby may well need to be coerced (and could I blame it?  I did the same to my mother when the hospital had to tell me to come out 25 days after I was supposed to).  Only God knows.

I have no power of my own to determine when or how this baby enters the world.  And even if I did, I would continue to trust.

Photo of the Day: As we headed out the door for my midwife appointment today, Micaiah repeatedly asked Emmett, "Emmett, do you want to give me a hug?"   To which he continually replied, "Ya!" and toddled to her waiting arms.  These two are simply the cutest.

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